All I Knew Was Complicated.

I came back from Hawaii feeling energized, solid, strong and centered -much better than I had in a very long time. I realized I felt that way not because it was such a blissful, relaxing vacation, but because of how I was dealing with things in my life. While I was relaxing, I was also dealing with my lawyer emailing me and my husband contacting me the entire time. I went through all of that and dealt with it pretty well; I felt good about it. The time I was in Hawaii was the first instance that I felt strong about handling something having to do with my pending divorce and not falling apart! I was very proud of myself, and let’s be honest being 1500 miles away with a pina colada didn’t hurt!

Two days before I left I had received a subpoena for business records and a rejection of a settlement that I had proposed. It felt like I was hemorrhaging money, and I wanted to see if my husband would settle with me before we went back to court in December; it would save us both money and time. He didn’t agree, he didn’t even counter, he wanted to drag this out as long as he could.  Per the advice of my lawyer, I had to contact my clients to notify them they may be required to provide proof of payment records for the financial discovery portion of my divorce proceedings. When a big part of your business is client confidentiality, it is not a fun phone call to make over and over. He did send me random checks in the mail and kept reaching out. I didn’t want to cash the checks, but I was backed into a corner and didn’t really have a choice. I needed the money. The part that really pissed me off was that he thought I was hiding money in my business… LOL. I had done okay but when we moved to San Francisco 4 years prior my business suffered tremendously, not to mention that I had gone into debt again to refurnish my life!

I felt like I was drowning in discovery and paperwork, files and emails regarding every dime I had spent over the last several years. Who had paid for what, who had paid me for what, searching through earning statements that my husband submitted.  The whole process is so overwhelming and depressing- it was also a wake-up call of how disorganized I was!  His lies kept revealing themselves throughout the “discovery” process. Before experiencing this I would have been the one to say, “how did she not have any clue about the finances?” Now I was that woman and didn’t even know it, but I was discovering it all now. As it turns out, having a double life is very very expensive- no wonder he hadn’t shared it all with me.

The bigger issue was that I wanted to get my belongings back. I only had about 20% of my stuff and after the stunt in court to prolong the hearings I decided I did not want to wait until things were final and settled. Who knew when that would be! When I walked out of my house I had left most everything I owned; photo albums, my entire kitchen, wedding gifts from my first marriage, holiday decorations, my cookbooks, shoes (especially my custom made Chanel flats that I had ordered the night I met Karl Lagerfeld in NYC), clothing (lots of clothing), furniture, jewelry, bathroom stuff… the list grew by the day when I would realize things I didn’t have. I would go to look for something and discover I didn’t have it. Even when I went back to my house with my girlfriends we only took what would fit in the cars and what we could carry. It wasn’t just the big things like my furniture that I wanted, it was the little stuff too. My favorite swimsuit and my beach bag (I had left in January and tropical vacations weren’t exactly on my mind), my UV nail light, my coffee table books on fashion that were stacked in my office, my favorite pillow, my old journals… it was my life. I had walked out nine months ago and still didn’t have my things.

As my parents kept reminding me, “they are only things.” The important part was that I was getting out of my marriage and moving on with my life; I could replace all of those things. I had to remind myself of this often but, I still wanted them back they might be just things but, they were MY THINGS!

Out of pure frustration and not wanting to annoy my friends any longer I wrote an email to my mother.  Once I hit send I realized I had probably said ‘fuck’ a few too many times for a Dear Mom letter.  Per usual she was very understanding and only offered me positive advice.

 Her advice was, “then do just that, enjoy your vacation! If he ruins your vacation and gets under your skin, then he wins.” I am beyond lucky to have such supportive parents!

The good news was that upon my return, I was really busy at work, and the better news was that I had Jack.  Jack was an angel in my life, a very fashionable, type-A angel with fabulous hair and a killer wardrobe.  For anyone that ever met Jack they knew he ran my life; he kept my calendar, kept me fed, organized my life and my closet and quickly became acquainted with the men in my life. He became familiar with them all, did his research and quickly decided he would shorten the list.  Jack was the perfect mixture of a rock star assistant and a Jewish mother. He was equally talented in both roles, though I wasn’t sure I wanted his input on the men.

Jack was getting to see the best of me, the focused, strong, lovely, positive Keylee.  I was making an excellent first impression. I t was only his third week working for me, so I was trying to keep it together, I didn’t want to scare him off with a fit of rage or tears.

When I got back to LA I had two things on my To Do list; sushi with the girls, Gina and Lisa, and time with Jaxton.  Sushi with the girls was just as I had hoped it would be. We laughed, ate our weight in sushi and drank enough sake to get an ox drunk. It was aggressive for a Monday night, but it was our routine and I needed to blow off some steam and of course, the girls wanted the update.

I hadn’t seen Jaxton in awhile, and he had called when on was on my spiritual journey by the sea in Hawaii.  I had really missed him and jumped at the chance to spend time with him now that I was back in LA.  He seemed to be in a good place, and I was in a good place, so what could possibly go wrong… right?

Jaxton decided that night we would stay in and order food and it exactly what I needed. It was nights like this that I missed since becoming single. Ordering in, opening a bottle of wine, making out on the couch while we watched a movie- it was perfect and exactly what I needed.  I woke up the next morning and still had the refreshed strong feeling; I always slept well at Jaxton’s house and it didn’t hurt that he was a great cuddler, it always made me feel safe to wake up in the middle of the night and have him wrapped around me.  Sure, I wished our relationship wasn’t so complicated and had some more clear lines, but it was what it was. I knew he had zero expectations of me, and I knew exactly who he was and what we were. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship anyway; I had learned that with Andrew, Sam, and so on. I did wonder where we would end up in all of this.

The bigger mystery is why I was so comfortable in a complicated relationship.  When  I thought about it, it seemed that complicated relationships were all I knew. My relationship with my husband had been nothing but complicated from day one, so in some twisted way, the complicated relationship I had with Jaxton was comforting to me.

I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the tools…yet.

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