Roller Coaster.

Once Sam and I were back in LA I decided that if I didn’t tell anyone about my “incident” then it didn’t really happen. Yep, that theory seemed rational to me just as it does most 5-year-olds. So naturally, I told no one- literally NO ONE. It didn’t even occur to me, that stuffing things down and not talking about them might be how I got to that point in the first place. I went about my business, and when anyone asked me how the trip was, I only discussed how much fun we had and how beautiful it was. It wasn’t like I was lying, that part was 100% true; we had an unbelievable amount of fun and details of the trip were not anyone else’s business. Let’s just say my next therapy appointment couldn’t come soon enough, but I wasn’t sure how I would even tell Sabrina. 

I hadn’t seen Sabrina in several weeks, and I had become paranoid I would have another outburst before our appointment. You know one of those incidents that take place in a movie where suddenly the woman, usually played by Julia Roberts or Jennifer Anniston, are in line at Starbucks and the next thing you know she screaming at a 17-year-old barista because he asks her to repeat her order. She starts blubbering on and on about how no one listens to her!

Yes, I was afraid that was going to be me.

Finally, it was therapy day and as I sat in front of my therapist she started with her usual question, “How have you been?”

I blurted out what happened like I was holding a canary in my mouth;, “well, I had an incident… I went crazy.” As I went on to tell her the story her facial expression changed appropriately with the drama and excitement. I told her about all of the sweet surprises Sam had planned and how he had spoiled me rotten. I told her how we talked and laughed and then got to the good stuff. When I got to the part about me screaming at Sam that night in the water, she went into her ‘straight non-judgment’ face. I finally finished the story and waited for her reaction.

“I am a bit surprised this has not happened before now,” she said.

What? She knew this was going to happen and hadn’t told me? I could have prepared; I could have warned people, I could have not left my house- I thought to myself.

“Wait, what do you mean you are surprised this hasn’t happened before now?” I asked being slightly pissed off.

She continued, “Yes. Keylee, you have been through a very traumatic event with a man who had promised you loyalty until death do you part. You cannot expect just to go on with your life like nothing has happened without properly dealing with it.”

I hated when she used my name; I felt like I was in trouble. In other words, my therapist was telling me; shit had hit the fan and she knew it was coming. My inner psyche was coming out whether I wanted her to or not.

I suddenly had two questions, “when will she come out again?” and “how do I keep her quiet?”

Sabrina looked at me with a slight smile and said, “I wish it were that easy.”

After we walked through every detail of the trip and what led up to this outburst I discovered that sadly I was right. The cause was a combination of things but mostly it was the fact that I was married to a man with a double life. I had a unique situation, and it wasn’t as simple as a divorce or a breakup, it was so much more, it was so much deeper.

No divorce is ever simple, but I was learning that mine was a special kind of really fucked up and now I was the one who felt fucked up! It was one of those situations that I knew the reality of, but I didn’t really “know” the reality. Some days I am still not sure I know and I defiantly know I don’t understand!

Ugh, was all I could think. I can’t believe I had to deal with this sadistic man in my life, for 6 ½ years and now I have to deal with the fall out on my own mental state that HE caused- NOT FAIR! I decided to use my anger as motivation to figure my shit out so I could move on with my life in a healthy way. He was not going to win!

The next day Sam called asking if I had dinner plans. I was shocked he called at all. I don’t think I would have called me after such an un-rational outburst. My only plans for that evening were laundry, so I agreed to meet him for dinner.

“Meet me at the Mondrian Hotel at 7,” he said.

Once I was back from my trip, I dived into work and hadn’t seen Sam since the car dropped me at home from the airport. I was excited that he called, and I was looking forward to spending time together on dry land. I had known him for ten years, we always had a blast together, he was a gentleman, and we liked all of the same things AND he still wants to see me after my emotional outburst…. he was either as crazy as I was or maybe he was just a good guy- hmmmm.

As I was sitting on Sunset Blvd at a stoplight heading to dinner, I got a text from Sam, seeing his name on my phone made my heart sink. Was he canceling? I had the thought then banished it out of my head, why was I so negative? I had been trained not to believe people would follow through but I had no reason to think that about Sam- I refused to project my shit on him- again. I decided to solve this mental dilemma and just read the freaking text, “we are eating dinner upstairs, give the desk your name when you arrive.”

I don’t remember that hotel having a restaurant upstairs, I thought to myself. I left my car with the valet and walked to the concierge desk I gave my name, and Sam’s name and the gentleman behind the desk handed me a room key. I was puzzled but per my usual pattern of behavior, I just went with it- plus nothing he did surprised me at this point. As I arrived at the top floor and knocked on the door, Sam answered and promptly gave me a kiss as he held his iPhone away from his face. While he finished up his call I walked around the room, he had booked a beautiful penthouse for us to have “dinner?” This was over the top, even for him- we both lived less than 2 miles away.

Looking out over the lights of LA while we finished a wonderful bottle of wine and our delicious room service dinner. Sam began to discuss his upcoming travel plans. He had work coming up but also wanted to travel for fun; New York, twice next month, Miami, Chicago, possibly Europe. Everything he spoke about was grand in scale and full of adventure. It is no secret that I am a girl that loves grand things and adores adventures but, when I suggested that our next date be a night that we stay in at his house where we could cook dinner and open a great bottle of wine, he was a bit surprised and not very into the idea. This frustrated me, I wanted to see him in a real setting, talk about real things; current events, work, friends, etc.

Being with Sam was one of those experiences that made you feel like were on a roller coaster. It was exciting, thrilling, and made your stomach flip, but you never knew when it would come to a screeching halt. No Ferris wheel, no carousel, no kiddie rides, just a great big crazy roller coaster- he was all about the wow factor. I am a big believer that spending money is easy, it is the day to day little things that are impressive to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the roller coaster- I had lived on a roller coaster for the past six years and in a lot of ways the ride seemed totally normal to me. Life was all about the ups, downs, and the thrilling moments- sadly the part I am most familiar with was when the coaster flew completely off the rails and crashed. When Sam couldn’t agree to a “regular date” or quiet night at home…. I got a distinct feeling that is where this was heading; off the rails.

The next morning I woke up next to Sam and it felt nice, familiar. As we waited for breakfast I jumped in the shower and tried to make it appear that I was not that girl who was walking out of a hotel at 8 am in the same clothes she wore the night before, even though I was. Sam and I had a lovely, yet brief, morning, said our goodbyes and set out to begin our respective days. I ran home to change clothes before heading to the office; we were casual but showing up in clothing from the night before was pushing the limits, even for me.

My assistant asked how my date was and so I was honest, “we had a very nice dinner” and left it at that.

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