When Sam and I got back to the resort we decided that a massage would be the perfect way to end our day, and we were right. After our massage, we went back to the villa and opened a bottle of wine, took a dip in our private pool, and sat on the deck watching the sunset over the ocean as we took a last swim for the day. As we sat there, we started discussing much deeper matters than before.
You know, one of those “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” conversations. My answer was easy, “I want to be married to a man I am passionately in love with raising a family.” It might have been delusional but it was honest. I don’t think Sam was surprised by my answer, he had known me for years, but I could see his mind start to churn. Over the years, Sam had said he would love to have more kids, but I wasn’t sure if he still felt that way. It wasn’t like it really mattered anyway, technically we were still on our first date!
I have never been shy about what I wanted; actually, I have never been shy about anything. Even before I married my husband (both of them) I was very clear that I wanted a family at some point. I have found even dating now I am early to say I want children, maybe too early, but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time (especially mine) if we don’t want the same thing then it is a no go. Back to the story…..
Once the sun went down we decided to wash the salt and massage oil off and get ready for dinner. Sam slipped into the shower behind me just to make sure we both got completely clean, he was kind like that. We headed to dinner and were pleasantly surprised to find a few new faces at the resort. It had been pretty empty since we arrived, and though that was relaxing, it was nice to see some life there! We ordered some more of Sam’s favorite tequila before dinner (the resort now called it that since we had drank so much of it) and had an incredible bottle of wine with our delicious meal. After dinner we decided to grab a drink in the bar, we were so excited that people were actually in the bar, how could we possibly resist.
Before I knew it, the whole bar was dancing, and Sam was supplying rounds of shots for everyone. He even convinced a 75-year-old woman who was celebrating her birthday to take a tequila shot. When the DJ said, it was the last song Sam paid him $100 cash to keep the music going. I guess when you are on an island you don’t have to worry about noise restrictions. Soon our shoes were off, and we were on top of the bar, still dancing.
We had met a group of girls from England and in a drunken state of mind decided to head to the beach for a midnight swim- all of us. After the copious amount of tequila, of course, we all thought it was a brilliant idea. Throughout the night Sam and I had been kissing me, touching me, dancing with me and at one point someone mentioned that we should ‘get a room!’ To my excitement, it was clear we were no longer just friends. I always like to know where I stand in a relationship; I do not ever like the gray area.
The girls from England and a few others from the bar came to the beach, most of the women decided to dive in the water sans top and the random guy from Germany decided to forgo clothing altogether. After a few moments in the water with my new BFF’s from London, I noticed I was significantly more intoxicated than I originally thought. Suddenly I wanted to go to bed, and I wanted to find Sam. After casually looking around, I couldn’t find him. Suddenly I started to panic a bit, I called out his name and heard nothing back. I asked one of the girls if they had seen him, “I think he and Katie are in the water,” she said. Something inside me snapped. Uh, oh.
I don’t know if it was the name Katie or the tequila, a combo of both I am sure, but the short story is, I lost it! I mean really lost it. I found Sam standing waist deep in the water, his back towards the beach and a figure standing on the other side of him. I saw red and for no logical reason. On a daily basis, I am a fairly calm person, I can count on two hands the time in my life I have actually yelled at someone. Even when I found out my husband had a double life I barely yelled at him, which is probably why poor Sam… got it all.
All of the anger came out of me like word vomit. “SAM! What are you doing?” I screamed. Startled he and Katie turned around, “Hey, what’s up Key?” He said casually. Once he saw the look on my face (even in the dark) he knew something was not right. “What the FUCK are you doing Sam? “ Without waiting for him to answer, I kept going. “Why would you bring me here if you were just going to sneak off with another woman? Did you plan on bringing her back to our place? You are such a fucking asshole; I knew you would do this!”
As if that wasn’t bad enough, I didn’t stop there. I was now pointing at him, still screaming, and making a total scene, everyone was staring and Katie’s friends were walking out into the water to see what was going on. “I want my plane ticket; I am going home in the morning; I don’t want to be here with you. I don’t want to be anywhere with you! I can’t believe you would do this! Get another room! Do NOT ever call me again, do NOT ever speak to me again!” I was now crying hysterically, soaking wet, half naked, and screaming at a man in front of countless strangers… clearly, it was not my finest moment.
Sam had stopped talking at this point and went into crisis mode. I was suddenly so hysterical I thought I was going to throw up. I ran back to our villa laid on the bathroom floor and sobbed. Even in my hysterical state of mind, I thought, “who is this girl?” And I hated her.
The next morning I woke up to the phone ringing; I wanted to die my head was pounding so hard. Finally, I found the phone and answered, “Hello?” “Hello, Ms. Sam’s last name, this is the spa, and we are wondering if you are coming to your massage appointment? It was scheduled at 10 am, and it is now 10: 15am.” A sweet woman said. “Shit! I mean yes, can you send a cart, please? I will be right there.” The room was spinning. I was 80% confident I was going to throw up and I don’t even remember how I got in the bed. I managed to make my way outside to a waiting cart and spent the entire message replaying the night over in my head. What had really happened? Everything was so foggy. Where was Sam when I woke up? Did he actually leave and get another room? Did I really yell at him as I remembered? Was he doing something wrong with that girl in the water? Wow, I had not drunk that much in a long time, and now I know why. Once the massage was over, I went back to our room; it was our last day, and I needed to pack, find Sam and try to find some dignity. Holly hell I was hung over, the kind of hung over where you just want to lie down and die.
I walked in to find Sam sitting on the couch. “Hi,” I said shyly, my head still pounding. “Hi,” he said back. We both started to talk at the same time. I was so embarrassed by my actions I let him go first.
“I am not totally sure what happened last night but, I am sorry. Nothing was happening with that girl in the water, I promise!” he said.
“What? What do you mean you are sorry?” I said with a bit of shock in my voice.
“Well, nothing happened with that girl, we were just talking but … I am sorry you got so upset. I don’t know what I did wrong.” He said.
“You are sorry? If nothing was going on, hell even if it was, you are not the one who needs to apologize. I am! Sam look; I don’t’ know what happened last night, I would love to blame it on the booze but whatever the reason is that I went, uh, well I went totally crazy, I am the one who is sorry. Clearly, I have some unresolved issues going on but that is no excuse to act like that.” Sam and I talked for a while and I still felt awful, he did everything he could to make me feel better but, I knew I had acted like a child and I would never forget it.
After about an hour I decided we needed to pack and get moving toward the airport. We got to the airport, and our flight was 4 hours delayed. I was hung over, and humiliated; being stuck in a tiny island airport with no air conditioning was not how I wanted to spend the next 4 hours. When we finally got to Miami we had missed our connection and the last flight back to LA and so we got a room, went to dinner and tried to make the best of it.
Sam was super sweet and understanding. I was on my best behavior, trying to make Sam forget about my crazy moment, in my mind it was overshadowing our whole trip. What I couldn’t shake was the guilt I felt, the shame. Why did I everything out on the one guy who had been so amazing, kind, generous and patient with me? I couldn’t wait until my next therapy appointment; this type of reaction was so out of character for me, I was dying to know what the trigger was. It couldn’t be as simple as alcohol and I thought it couldn’t be as simple as ‘my husband had a double life, therefore, I will never trust men.’
Could it? Oh, baby Jesus please tell me that was not it.
Would I ever trust again?