I Should Be Celebrating.

After my disaster of a week and drunken weekend, I was actually happy it was Monday, thankful for a routine and a reason to get out of bed.  I got up put on my favorite “I feel powerful” pencil skirt and blouse then headed to the office.  A pencil skirt was always my outfit of choice when I needed a confidence boost or to feel bit more girl power.  I walked into the office and of course everyone acted like nothing was wrong or at least made a lame attempt to try.  After a tense hour of me checking emails and signing off on things that needed to be attended to Megan, our bubbly assistant said, “you know we should be celebrating!  This is a huge step for you, you are free!”  Ugh, just hearing it made me want to cry.  I kept thinking about my husband and wondering if he was hurt or upset.  What did his family say?  I went outside to get some air, aka smoke a cigarette and I walked downstairs to the kitchen.

Our office was in my best friends house over the garage, he was home but still not feeling great.  I went into the kitchen to fill him in on the weekend and how things went in SF, though he knew the highlights.  I suddenly started crying.  As we stood at the island and he tried everything he could to make me feel better with his wisdom while he was making fresh orange juice.  “You will get through this, you are one of the strongest people I know.  Divorce sucks but think of how great this will all be once you are on the other side.  You can handle this!”  He kept talking hoping to see something register on my face.  As I stood there trying to take it all in, I noticed a baggie of little cookies on the counter, as he is talking I mindlessly picked up the baggie and ate one.  They were kind of bland and not interesting, slight peanut butter flavor (probably his latest diet cookie recipe), but I didn’t care and I went to grab another one.  Without skipping a beat or changing his inflection he looked at me grabbed the baggie and said: “honey those are organic dog treats, not cookies!”

This was a new low.  I slumped down on the counter and buried my head… started to cry and then laugh uncontrollably.   I went back up to the office and sat at my desk- with a big bottle of water.  I decided to get out a new yellow notepad and make a list.  No matter what shit storm I was going through the truth is I am a very fortunate person and I was not going to let myself have a pity party.

I wrote at the top; I AM BLESSED BECAUSE and then listed all the reasons; I have a wonderful supportive family, I have great friends, I have a roof over my head that is all my own, I am finally living an authentic life, I no longer am with a man that lies to me, I had the courage to leave a bad situation, I have my health, I have a great shoe collection, I am going to Italy in a month, I get to see my family in two weeks when I go home for the 4th of July, I have three wonderful healthy and smart nieces, etc… you get the idea!  As I read the list allowed to my fellow office mates one of them asked, “where are you going in Italy?”  I was going to visit a girlfriend who spent the month of July in Capri every year.  My parents were giving me cash for my birthday and I had a free plane ticket and place to stay- win win!   I really needed this trip.

My husband and I had been given two round trip first class tickets anywhere we wanted to go as a wedding gift.  The thought was to use them for our honeymoon and thankfully when he took Katy to Napa the weekend after our wedding they didn’t have to use them. Needless to say, he and I never went on a honeymoon, so I was taking myself on one.  Just as I started dreaming of blue water, sipping rose and Italian men my stomach dropped!  I quickly pulled up my confirmation email and dialed the airlines

“Hi Yes, I am calling to confirm an international ticket,” I said and read the confirmation number into the phone. The operator read it back and then said: “I am sorry ma’am we do not have a reservation under that confirmation number, are you sure that is the correct number?”  I read it again and she again confirmed no ticket.  “I have my itinerary and ticket number in front of me, from the airlines.  What do you mean I don’t have a ticket?” I asked while trying not to sound too upset.  “Oh, let me try the ticket number, sometimes the system glitches and it is easier to find it under that,” she said.  Whew, I thought and quickly read the ticket number to her.  “Oh, I see,” she said, “unfortunately the ticket has been canceled.”  “What? You need to un-cancel it!  I never canceled the ticket, that is my ticket” I was starting to feel less panic and more anger.  “I am sorry Miss Sanders I can not do that.  This is a world ticket and only the person who holds the account can re-instate this ticket. Is there anything else I can help you with?”  she said.  “FUCK YOU!” I said in the most polite way I knew how and slammed the phone down, again where is a damn old style phone when you need it?

The whole office had been silently holding their breath listening to me talk to the airline, suddenly when they realized I was off everyone was so stunned that they just stared at their computer screens not saying a word.

Goodbye blue water and Italian men, I knew that my honeymoon for one was never going to happen. I  couldn’t even afford sushi, so buying a plane ticket to Italy was out of the question.  I had daydreams about adventuring around in Capri on the back of a scooter.  Eating large balls of mozzarella and drinking lots of Italian wine while the men fought over who was going to buy my next drink…. ok, maybe that wasn’t going to happen but it was my daydream!   The “account holder”  the representative was speaking of was a friend of my husband (soon to be x).  He is also one of two friends who knew about Katy the whole time- yes, they knew everything.  This was a guy I invited over constantly, cooked for, had at my Thanksgiving table, gave his daughter an internship, and that stood at my wedding in support of my marriage all the while fully aware and participating in my

The “account holder”  the representative was speaking of was a friend of my husband (soon to be x).  He is also one of two friends who knew about Katy the whole time- yes, they knew everything.  This was a guy I invited over constantly, cooked for, had at my Thanksgiving table, gave his daughter an internship, and that stood at my wedding in support of my marriage all the while fully aware and participating in my husband’s double life.  I even looked the other way when he brought an obvious hooker to a very chic New Year’s Eve party.  But this??? Canceling my ticket to a dream vacation without telling me, this was low!!!!  Did he call the airline after calling the bank last week?  I had not wanted to have any communication with my husband since telling him, or the therapist telling him, I wanted a divorce but I picked up the phone and started dialing!   Of course, he didn’t answer and I decided it was best to not leave that much anger on a recording.   As I hung up my computer dinged letting me know I had a new email, I opened my inbox….  “Hello Keylee, This is Andrew, James’s friend…….” Suddenly I didn’t give two shits about Italy.

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