I Needed A Hit.

Love and Choices.  We make 100’s of choices every day.  What to eat, what to wear, what emails to answer, whether we are going to have another glass of wine after work (or a bottle), who to sleep with, what route to take to the office, who your friends are going to be, etc etc.  Some choices are big and some are small, some are life changing while others don’t really affect us at all.   Part of being an adult is admitting when you have made a bad choice, accepting responsibility for the choice you made, hopefully learning from it and moving on with your life -taking your new knowledge and past experience with you.

At times Americans take a lot of choices for granted and when we make the wrong choice we often like to place the blame with others.  Admitting a choice is wrong or that we have fucked up is not easy to do, especially when it affects those around us or those we love. Having the choice of who to love is not even an option for women in many parts of the world.  Had I been one of those women my parents would have picked a suitable young man with something to offer and married me off.  At times I have thought how much easier that would have been, just kidding of course!   Making the choice of who to love might affect our life more than anything else.  Admitting when that is a wrong choice, to ourselves and our circle, is one of the hardest things to fess up to, but can be very powerful at the same time.

I have made very few choices in my life I regret, deciding to get continuous spiral perms as a young girl tops that short list, but I have never regretted saying I love you.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and we can learn something from every situation.  Sometimes we make choices that are right for us in the moment not giving a lot of thought to the future and what the fall-out might be.  Sometimes falling in love with someone isn’t even really a choice.

That night in the cab with Jaxton I knew I had a choice to make.  I knew in that moment he was probably not going to be the answer to the problems in my life, but he could be the solution to what I needed right then.   To be honest, I had no real grasp on what I needed in my life but I knew what I wanted in that moment.  I wanted to feel loved and I needed to feel wanted.

Saying I needed to feel loved sounds so lame.  I know it is a basic human need but it isn’t like I didn’t have love in my life.  I had great friends who were super supportive and a family that was amazing!  Every therapist I have spoken with starts off by asking about my childhood.  Granted nothing in life is perfect but I had a great a childhood with wonderful parents who loved and supported my sister and me in everything we did.  I was raised on a ranch with animals and lots of land that led to fun and adventure.  I had all of the things growing up a girl could ever want.  My parents traveled with us, they showed up to ever school event to cheer us on, I had a lot of friends, I was not short on love in my life overall.  What I have learned is that love comes in all shapes and forms.  Looking back my husband (both of them and several boyfriends) and I said ‘I love you’ to each other all the time.   Every morning before he went out the door, at the end of our phone calls, at night before we went to bed but looking back did I ever really feel loved?  Saying ‘I love you’ is just words.   Once I learned my life was not the truth I thought it was it made me

Once I learned my life was not the truth I thought it was it made me start asking questions; was any of that love ever true, was it real?   I have had a LOT of time to examine myself in the past few years and a lot of therapy and I have learned that a lot of the time not feeling loved (for anyone) comes from within, not from another person.  I now see this so clearly, but remember there is a huge difference in the love of your family and friends and the love of an intimate partner.  Your parents have loved you from the moment you came into this world and will love even when you leave this world.  In relationships, it all has to start with you.

I dated a guy, Andrew, a while back that asked me how many people I had loved in my life, really, truly loved (other than family and friends).  I just sat there and looked at him with a blank stare!  For some crazy reason, I couldn’t answer that question.  For me, love has so many levels and layers, it is so unique and different in every situation.  Real or not, one-sided or mutual it is all love in some form or another, right?   Sometimes it just looks different than we think it is going to look and sometimes we know that love exists without ever saying it out loud.

I had made the choice to say I Love You each time in my life, no one ever “forced” me to say it, but did I always mean it?  I had made the choice to get married, twice, was it the right choice?  I was now at a point in my life that made me question everything I knew and did.  And it wasn’t just about love or who to love, every decision I made I questioned.  What if I made the wrong choice again?  Loved the wrong person?  It got so out of control at one point that I couldn’t make a decision on what to wear, what lipstick put on, what to have for lunch even.  It all made me feel crazy!  How could I not be able to make a simple daily choice?  I had graduated college with honors, was running two companies at once, had founded three businesses during my career and as a stylist, I made major decisions for other people every day.  I felt truly out of my own body and mind, I knew I had to find a piece of love and quick!  My hope was that if I could get a hit of love I would start to feel sane.  It would be a short term fix.

That night with Jaxton riding in the cab I was very confident about my decision as I told the cab driver, “one stop please.”  I wanted to feel close to someone, someone I could trust.   The one thing about Jaxton is in the 10 plus years we had known each other he has never pretended to be anything other than exactly what he is.

Most guys, and girls, try to be perfect in the beginning and promise you the world.   The great thing about him was that when we met I was married to my first husband and he and I were just friends, so he was just authentically who he is.  I got to know the real him, flaws and all, from day one and vice versa for him with me.  I never not trusted him, he never gave me a reason to.   Not to say that he hasn’t bruised my heart a few times but trust has never been an issue with us.  It is one reason I think we have been in each other lives for so long.  Jaxton was like a drug to me and I needed a hit.

From the moment we walked through his door I knew I made the right decision.  He wrapped his arms around me and carried me into his bedroom.  After what seemed like an hour of kissing he started to slip my dress over my head, stopping for a moment to ask if it was ok- such a gentleman.  Was he crazy?  Did he think I was going to stop him?

That next morning as I laid in his bed with the sun peeking through the curtains I began to think, could this be it?  Is this what I have waited for?    Maybe Jaxton and I will finally have our opportunity to be together with no complications or confusion.  Are we finally going to find out if what we have spoken about, and I had dreamed about, so many times could be true?   In that moment I let all the shit in my life and drama I was dealing with float away and I drifted into the fantasy about a time in my life when I would be in a stable place with a man I loved and trusted.   Maybe this is what it was all for and my past was part of my journey.  Was Jaxton that man and this that relationship?  Was he my future?   In that moment I wanted a knight in shining armor on a white horse and so I let myself think it could be him.

 

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