Jaxton.

Where do I begin?  Jaxton is not just ‘some guy’ that I have known for a long time, he is so much more.  I can’t even think of the right word to describe him where it will make sense to anyone else.  Have you ever had a guy/ girl come into your life that just changed everything?  You couldn’t explain it to anyone, but you changed as a person.  A guy that knew you better than you knew yourself and touched you deep inside making you look at life differently?  That was Jaxton for me.

It all started 11 years ago on a very hot August day in Palm Springs, it was about 110 degrees outside and I had been driving for hours.  I was late to pick up my tickets for Miss Teen USA, I was there to attend the show and was not in a good mood, to say the least.  As I am trying to get into the building a guy comes to the door I assume he is a PA or an intern or something, “Can I help you?” he asks.  “Yes, where is the executive office?  I need my tickets” I snapped at him.  He tried to make small talk but I didn’t have the time of day and I breezed past him in search of my tickets.  I have to admit, I was a total bitch that day!  I blame it on the heat.

Later that night, just as the live telecast show was starting I see him dressed in a suit shaking hands and kissing babies (sort of speak) in the front row of the audience, as I was being sat just a few seats away, he smiled at me.  Huh? Is that the same guy?  No, can’t be.  I thought to myself.  After the show, he walked over to say hi.  He immediately says “you thought I was an intern didn’t you?”  “What?  Of course not” I answer back as I notice my face is getting hot.   He laughed and immediately knew I was lying.  From the moment we met, he could read me like a book.

Fast forward to today, 11 years later and there is no man, or woman, on the planet who knows me better.  Jaxton knows everything there is to know about me, literally everything, which is one of the scariest things about him.  We have been through it all; some of the most romantic moments of my life have been with this man, he has caused me serious heartbreak and I have had the most connected sex of my life with him.  I think my favorite thing about him is that he has never judged me, not once.  He knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, desires, dreams (and I know his).  I never had to act a certain way or pretend with him, he was one of my closest friends and we had been through a lot together.  He had even seen me cry a time or two and no one sees me cry!   He wasn’t just Jaxton … he was my Jaxton.

The night after I arrived in LA we were scheduled to have dinner.  He had picked a small Italian place that I loved.  Lots of twinkle lights, cobblestone floors, small tables- it reminds me of being in Europe.  As I got ready I found myself nervous and it was so strange.  I had been to dinner with him a 100 times why would I be nervous?  Ugh, a flash of his face went through my mind. A month ago in LA when my husband and I ran into him, I hadn’t spoken to him in a good bit of time.  He came over to say hi and my x reached out his hand and said, “Hi, I am Keylee’s husband.”  The color drained out of Jaxton’s face, I had never told him we had gotten married.

I started to think, I wonder if he is going to be upset with me?  How could I have gotten married and NOT told him?  He was one of the most important people in my life and I had kept it from him.  I would be furious if he had done that to me.  We had never lied to each other about anything….until then.   I didn’t have time to think about that I had more important things to deal with like, what would I wear to dinner?  I was still in my I want to wear sweats in public phase, which thank goodness never happened because I don’t own sweats.  Suddenly staring at my suitcases and boxes the answer came to me, a dress! Dresses were always my fall back outfit and I found one that was cute but not too sexy added some boots and a coat and was out the door.  I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea but I wasn’t dead, I still wanted to look good!

I walked downstairs, called a cab and said goodnight to the boys (they were so happy to see me going out- I hadn’t left the house much in the past 48 hours, or my room for that matter).  I knew in my state of mind and my track record of liquor intake the last three weeks driving was not a smart idea.   As I waited for the cab I got a text from my husband.  Just seeing his name made the vomit rise in my throat.   He had been on me about talking again soon and he wanted us to go to therapy together.  I was not even remotely interested but decided it was better to just not respond in that moment.  I still had a 1000 unanswered question and no plan of how to get any of them answered.  He had hurt me so deeply, it was unforgivable and the love I once felt was starting to numb inside of me.  I was finally excited for something, this dinner, and I wasn’t about to let my mind remind me of the reality that was my life.

I arrived at the restaurant and stepped out of the cab.  I walked in and told the hostess I was there and gave Jaxton’s name.  She told me I was the first to arrive and my heart dropped to the floor.  I bet he decided not to come, I thought.  My head started spinning.   I grabbed my phone and frantically checked my messages.  Nothing.   The hostess offered to seat me but I didn’t dare.  What if he didn’t show at all and then I was sitting at the table alone?  I was WAY too fragile for that.  Just as I started to panic he breezed through the door.  In reality, he was less than 5 minutes late but that night it seems liked an hour.  When I looked up and saw his face I immediately felt safe, happy and special.   Those are three things I hadn’t felt in a very long time.   He smiled at me and I smiled back- a very big smile!  He walked up and wrapped his arms around me to say hello and I melted.  I buried my head in his neck, his smell was familiar and in that moment the last 8 years ran through my mind.

As our entire history flashed through my head, I was reminded it hadn’t all been happy memories.  I remember once before my I met my husband, I was at Jaxton’s home and suddenly we were fighting, I stormed to the car and then of course he called.  I was driving back to my house and as we fought over the phone I foolishly, in a moment of rage, said, “don’t ever call me again, I mean it, we are done forever!”  Almost instantly I had to pull my car over to the side of the road to throw up.  Never in my life had I had such a physical reaction to something I said.  I think that was the moment I knew he would be in my life forever and of course, that was not the last time we spoke.

We sat down to dinner immediately ordered martini’s to start and a bottle of wine to pair with our food.  Once the waitress had left us he reached across the table and grabbed my hand.  “How are you, Keylee?”  He had this thing where he always said my name, I loved it and had no idea why.  As he asked how I was and looked directly into my eyes I started to almost tear up.  It was like he looked through me and like no one else on the planet had asked me this question before. “Hanging in there,” I said.  “Some days are good and others are total shit.”  For the first time, I was honest, I felt no need to put on an act for him.   We talked and I gave him the short version of the story and then we moved on in the conversation, he knew me well enough to know I didn’t want to talk about it all night.  The rest of the conversation was about how work was going for him, how our families were doing, where I was going to live in LA, etc.  It was pure bliss.

After about my martini and a second glass of wine I started to relax.  I was relaxed having fun and was with someone who knew everything that was going on in my life, no walls up, no hiding anything.  It was such a relief.  Pretty soon I had another feeling, it was not something I had felt in a long time, suddenly I wanted to kiss him.  Wait, I couldn’t’ kiss him, I was married!  Right?  No, I was separated.  Right?   My husband had another relationship the entire time we were together… I could do anything I wanted!   Right?  This was so confusing. Suddenly I realized Jaxton had asked me a question and I had no idea what he had said!  I was so wrapped up thinking about his lips and my own internal debate I had missed the conversation completely.   The good thing about our relationship was I just started laughing and said, “I have no idea what you just asked me because I was thinking about how much I want to kiss you.”   He looked and replied, “I need to use the restroom.”  WHAT?  That is not what he was supposed to say!  He got up and as he headed to the back of the restaurant he leaned down, gently grabbed my chin and kissed me.  I almost fell out of my chair.  I went numb from my lips to my toes.  As he walked to the bathroom I did the only thing I could think to do… I chugged the rest of my wine.

We had kissed before, we had done a lot more than kiss before, but this was different.  I was emotionally raw and hadn’t kissed another man in over 6 years.  I suddenly felt alive and not like a wounded puppy.   He came back to the table and we finished dinner. Before we knew it we were the last two people in the restaurant and on the 10th time the waitress asked if we wanted to order anything else we finally got the hint, paid our bill and walked outside.  Before I could say, I guess I should call a cab; he grabbed me around the waist and started kissing me.  Passionately, kissing me.  The valet was about 10 feet away and as a cab was heading our way he flagged it down.  It wasn’t until the cab started honking we even noticed it was there.  Jaxton pulled back, keeping his hands on my face and laced in my hair, and looked at me.  I took a few steps to the curb and then turned back,  “It’s a lonely time of night, maybe we should just share a cab home.  I mean your place is on my way home.”  He hopped in next to me and we started kissing again.  The cab driver turned and looked at us, cleared his throat and asked “one stop or two?”  Jaxton and I stopped kissing, looked at each other and waited for the other one to answer.

 

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