After being in the mountains with friends for about a week, having moments of fun and a lot of moments of weakness, I headed back to San Francisco. I needed to get my belongings out of storage and my car and head to the only place I knew to go- Los Angeles. I had lived in LA for six years before meeting my husband and it had become home, our entire our relationship I had traveled back and forth for work. Months before we finally got married I had even rented a new apartment there and was spending a significant amount of time there trying to figure out my life- we had been engaged for almost three years and I had put my foot down. I had good friends there and the geographic distance between him and San Francisco was something I desperately needed.
But going back to San Francisco even briefly meant I would see my husband face to face for the first time in over three weeks. I was finally going to look him in the eyes. He had been begging to see me, he wanted to talk and finally, I gave in. I had so many mixed feelings but mostly it was dread and sadness at the thought of returning to the city he and I called home. As I landed at SFO my heart sank, I had come there with so many hopes and dreams and now that was all gone. I was literally flying back to pick up the pieces of my life and attempt to move on.
Part of me wanted to see him. Part of me wanted to run into his arms and pretend like none of this had ever happened, for him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Maybe we could move and start over together, maybe he would have a good explanation, and maybe this really was all a big misunderstanding? I knew I was deluding myself with these thoughts and I quickly pushed those feelings deep down inside and tried to face the reality that was before me. In SF I was staying at a friends house while they were out of town and agreed to let him come over. At the time I didn’t want to meet in public because I didn’t know how I would react when I came face to face with him. Would I scream, yell, lash out, cry??? In reality agreeing to let him come over to a house when I was there alone was not the smartest move but I wasn’t in the best frame of mind, I admit it.
The time had come and finally, it was less than an hour before he was supposed to arrive. I couldn’t decide if I should “get ready” for him coming over. How should I dress? Should I put makeup on? I finally made myself presentable yet not overdone, I didn’t want to look like I was trying. The doorbell rang and my whole body started shaking. I walked down the stairs and caught a glimpse of him through the glass door; suddenly I felt as if was going to throw up. Something snapped inside and I turned into a robot, all feeling literally drained out my body. I continued down the stairs and opened the door. He looked nice, I could tell he had dressed up and made an effort. Nice jeans, great shoes, collared shirt layered with a sweater and his navy coat- he always dressed well. As I said hello he went in for a hug and I reluctantly hugged him back, it was awkward. His touch made my skin crawl and yet at the same time I wanted to melt in his arms. I didn’t understand how I could have such polarizing feelings toward him; it just made things more confusing. We went into the kitchen, I offered him something to drink as he sat at the table and we began to talk. I let him start, I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. At
As I said hello he went in for a hug and I reluctantly hugged him back, it was awkward. His touch made my skin crawl and yet at the same time I wanted to melt in his arms. I didn’t understand how I could have such polarizing feelings toward him; it just made things more confusing. We went into the kitchen, I offered him something to drink as he sat at the table and we began to talk. I let him start, I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. At first, it was small talk, but as he talked more he began to try and explain what he had done. Every fiber of my being wanted to be as far away from him as possible., I wouldn’t even sit at the table with him for the first 10 minutes. I stood next to the counter with my arms crossed. The sound of his voice, every word that came out of his mouth was like fingernails on a chalkboard, it was all lies to me. It didn’t matter what he was saying the only response I could come up with was “LIAR!” He attempted to make me feel better, tried to help me understand what had happened saying things like; “Katy and I are just friends. She has been going through a hard time and I was trying to help, she has a lot of issues. I shouldn’t have lied, you are totally right to be upset but I don’t love her. We were not having sex, she is just a friend. I love you, you are the love of my life and I will do anything to make this up to you. I will spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you!”
The sound of his voice, every word that came out of his mouth was like fingernails on a chalkboard, it was all lies to me. It didn’t matter what he was saying the only response I could come up with was “LIAR!” He attempted to make me feel better, tried to help me understand what had happened saying things like; “Katy and I are just friends. She has been going through a hard time and I was trying to help, she has a lot of issues. I shouldn’t have lied, you are totally right to be upset but I don’t love her. We were not having sex, she is just a friend. I love you, you are the love of my life and I will do anything to make this up to you. I will spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you!”
He went on and on and as I stared at him the room became blurry. He began to sound like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoon, his mouth was moving but nothing he said made sense. Wah Wah Wah Wah.
After awhile he wanted to know what my plan was? In my head I wanted to say, “plan? My plan right now is to not have a panic attack and throw up!” I didn’t have a fucking plan! All I knew was I was going to go back to LA and that was about it! Finally, I told him I was heading to LA for a while and figure things out. He wanted to stay in touch; he was concerned about me he kept saying it over and over. He wanted to know if I needed anything. I wanted to scream; “Yes, I needed a husband who does not have a double life!” Something about him seemed so genuine, so concerned in that moment. How could he be that person and the person who had lied to me
Something about him seemed so genuine, so concerned in that moment. How could he be that person and the person who had lied to me every day for six years at the same time? I was now more confused and conflicted than ever. After about an hour he sensed how uncomfortable I was and I finally said very directly that I was done talking, he left. He tried to kiss me when I walked him to the door, I dodged the kiss and then saw the disappointed awkward look on his face. I felt bad for a moment- how crazy is that? How crazy was I is the real question? He left and I shut the door behind him. I watched him walk away and when he was out of my view I started to cry. I don’t know if I was sad, scared, or just relieved that we had met face to face and it was over.
As I sat on the stairs I suddenly realized I was exhausted. I drug myself to the room I was staying in, put on my pajamas and crawled into bed. I didn’t even wash my face and that NEVER happens. I just wanted to wake up to a new day as quickly as possible but that night I didn’t sleep at all, I tossed and turned and in the moments I actually did fall asleep I had nightmares. I would wake up in a cold sweat and have no idea where I was. Around 3 am I got up and decided to write in my journal in the hopes that getting my some of the thoughts out of my head would help me finally rest.
Journal entry 2/ 20:
“He came over tonight. Looking back as a little girl I always wanted a big life with a lot of excitement. Now I have a husband with a past I can’t even comprehend and he has done things I will never understand and he says he will always regret. I do believe he has a good heart and he didn’t try to hurt me… but he did.”
I thought seeing him would give me more clarity and help me move forward, but now I was more confused than ever. In my head, I knew what the facts were and what the reality of the situation was but somewhere in my heart I still loved him and seeing him made it even harder.
The next day I drove to my storage unit loaded up my car and headed to LA. I always hated that drive, I found it long and lonely but this time it flew by. I was so involved in my own thoughts and trying to figure out what I was going to do that before I knew it I was in LA. As I drove over the grapevine and got on the 405 a slight smile came across my face. I felt like I was home. LA was my town, he had no hold over me here, I wouldn’t run into him while getting coffee or going to the gym and I, for the first time in a long while I felt safe. Since I had given up my latest LA apartment when we got married just months before, I would be staying with my best friend at he and his partners home. It was a house I had lived before and was like a second home to me, it still is. I remember pulling into the driveway and feeling so defeated. I had moved into this house once before when I got divorced the first time and was now moving back in. Was I in the same place? Was I going backward or moving forward? I honestly didn’t know.
That night I finally slept and the next morning I woke up to a text; “Want to grab dinner? I would love to see you when you are ready.” It was from Jaxton. He was one of the first people I reached out too shortly after I found out about my husband’s deceit. We had been through so much having known each other for 10 years and now that I was back in LA, I desperately wanted to see him. Our relationship was complicated, to say the least, he was complicated. He knew all my secrets, all of my past, all of my flaws and he never judged me- not once. He always accepted me, and I would learn loved me, for exactly who I was, this was sadly so foreign to me. It was the first time I had smiled in days. He always made me feel amazing and special when we were together and I was desperate to feel even a touch of that or was I just desperate to feel his touch? Either way, I agreed to dinner the next night.