But I Can’t Kiss You.

Journal Entry 2/12/12

“Today I feel broken.  I finally spoke to my husband and it makes me sad.  I am broken, totally broken.  He broke me.”

I hadn’t spoken to my husband in 16 days and finally, I gave in.   He had been sending text messages multiple times a day and I had only answered a few.  He wants us to go to therapy… he thinks we should “work it out.”  I didn’t believe what my ears were hearing…WHAT?  I kept thinking, work what out?  What the hell is there to “work out?”  You lied, cheated and betrayed me for six years, SIX YEARS!   I am clear on what has happened, how did he not understand the gravity of what was going on.   This was not a fight; I didn’t have anything to work out- except in my own mind.  Typing it now I sound so sure, so solid in my position but in that moment, 16 days post leaving, I still hadn’t said the word divorce- to anyone except myself.

Time with my close friends in the mountains included a lot of down time, wine, talking and even crying through the night on my bathroom floor alone.  Once I left the safe feeling of Kansas and my family, shit got real.  I was alone, I was broken and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, yet I was out and about in the world trying to act like a normal person.

When I landed in the mountains it was like a weight was lifted!  I was in a beautiful place where I only knew a couple people and they were all close friends plus the extended social circle was wonderfully kind and a lot of fun.   This meant every conversation I had didn’t have to be about what I was going to do with my life?  It was about what wine we were going to order with lunch, what time we would meet at apreś and who was wearing what on the ski slopes.  That was a relief, but it wasn’t easy.  I didn’t know how to act or what to say, I was mixing with a lot of new people and felt like a scarlet letter was burned into my chest.

Somehow I felt everyone knew what had happened and he or she were all talking about me, though of course most did not have any clue what had happened and no one was talking about me.   Since I wasn’t wearing my ring when I met new people they automatically assumed I was single and most of the time I didn’t correct them.  I didn’t know what I was; married, single, separated, jilted?  It was too difficult to explain and the few times I tried to briefly explain it went like this, “ Are you married?”  They would ask glancing at my finger.  “No, well yes, I am married but I left my husband of four months two weeks ago because I found out through Facebook he had a double life with a female body builder.” Yeah, that just made people really uncomfortable and gave them the urge to warn everyone else in the room to stay clear of that girl!  Yes, Katy is a female body builder (as a hobby)… did I leave that part out?   Not just someone who works out a lot, we are talking

Yes, Katy is a female body builder (as a hobby)… did I leave that part out?   Not just someone who works out a lot, we are talking oompa loompa tan (but only on her body, her face was a totally different color), Sun In bleach blonde hair, head to toe baby oil and a purple sequined bikini with clear heels kind of body builder.   It was like salt in the already gaping wound.  How did my husband betray me and lie to me to be with someone who looked like that?  I know how shallow that sounds, but I just couldn’t get past the image of her burned into my brain… I still can’t.

I was staying with one of my best friends and her husband, who I adored; they were beyond supportive and immediately offered for me to stay in their home as long as I needed.  Have I mentioned I have incredible friends?  I not only took them up on it but also leaned on them for advice and support.  I needed to hear an opinion that was at least semi-objective and not from a family member.  They had been friends with my husband and me as a couple, of course, they were closer to me but my head was so clouded and I needed perspective- in that moment they provided it.   In the end, they agreed, I had not choice but to leave- he was a liar.

Finally, with a lot of convincing, I decided that I needed to get out and live a little.   Even I thought I was pathetic.  Two and half weeks ago I had been a really fun person- I am still one of the most fun people I know (hehe).  I finally started going to dinner, dinner would lead to drinks, which lead to more drinks, which lead me to staying out late and finally feeling somewhat alive.  I think it was my 4th or 5th night there that I decided to stay out a bit later with friends.

My girlfriend Veronica also had a home there and she was the definition of fun.  Single, traveled the world had friends in every city and lived life to the absolute fullest!  I adored her and that attitude was exactly what I needed.  That particular night she convinced me to go to dinner with a group of people I didn’t really know.  It was a mixed group and I knew that if they were friends of Veronica’s then they would be great fun.  I was ‘new’ in town per say and at times felt like new meat on the market, the attention was nice but I was unsteady.  I had decided to go all out and dress up that night.  A LBD (little black dress), heels, hot pink fishnets… I figured even if I felt like shit on the inside there was no excuse to look like it- my mother had taught me well.

I met a guy that night; at some point in our conversation I realized “holy shit I think he is flirting with me!”  How could I have not seen that earlier?   I was newly single but not an old maid.  As we walked out of dinner and into the snow, I could tell he was going to try and kiss me.  I was now on high alert and as he leaned in, I suddenly panicked!   I literally put my hand in front of my lips and said, “no, I can’t!”  He looked a little shocked and then I really scared him as I continued talking.  “It isn’t that I don’t want to kiss you, but you see… the thing is, I am married.  Well technically I am married, but I left my husband.   I left him two weeks ago and I am here now… but I can’t kiss you.”  I blurted all of this out like I had no control over what I was saying and when I looked up at him I couldn’t tell if he was going to laugh, run, or vomit on my shoes!  I quickly turned away and walked home 6 blocks in the snow, in my heels.  Considering the bear population in this town it probably wasn’t the smartest idea to walk home by myself but after humiliating myself I didn’t care, I suddenly just needed to get home!

I got home, slid down the wall and sat on my bathroom floor, I sat there and cried.  How is it that I didn’t like being around new people, I felt timid and shy and didn’t really want to talk to anyone, going to dinner with Veronica and her friends was such a challenge.  This was not me at all, I was used to being the girl that loved meeting new people.  I had been a freaking Miss Teen USA, I flew all over the country making speeches and shaking hands.  I had built a career on relationships; I had been a debate student and loved public speaking.  It is safe to say, I was/am not shy!   Sitting there on the floor, still wearing my dress and crying through my makeup I realized just how deeply this whole experience was going to change me.   I might have looked the same on the outside, minus my beautiful wedding rings and a few breakup pounds, but the inside was deeply different.  Look, I was used to curve balls in life- everyone deals with them.  Generally, I would dance through any crisis, pick up the pieces and move on.  I had been bullied in school, I had eulogized two of my grandparents, I had already divorced a husband, ran my own business for over ten years and all that was a cake walk compared to now.

Never in any of those situations did I doubt myself, now I doubted myself in every situation, it was an awful feeling.  Learning my life was a lie was not going to be as easy to get through, I wasn’t going to dance my way through it and that was more difficult for me to understand than the fact my husband had a double life.

Today, over two years later I still find parts of myself that are not completely healed, things about myself that I don’t completely trust.  I often think that maybe I never will be totally healed.  Maybe I never will learn to trust myself fully again.  I can’t accept that, so I get up each day put one foot in front of the other and do everything in my power each day to change that.

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